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happy mother's day all!

This weekend wasn't insane or crazy. I just stayed in a lot, i've been staying in a lot. one because im actually trying to be sober and it's not so bad. peer pressure sucks though! haha.

friday- party with sonia and will yadda yadda, that was cool. I DIDNT DRINK! hahah it sweet... it got raided pretty quick but whatever, high school people arent down for shit. i've come to realize a lot within so little time it's weird. then i went to hangout with my david! i havent hung out with his asian ass in such a long time i really miss his company and how we would go on hours on end about random shit. if we ever had a camp/sleep over party we'd probably be the last asleeep talking on and on about cow poop. aaha.

saturday- i work up and had to take my sister to corona so i went to get my mothers day gift. i got her a gift certificate to south coast so she could buy make up or soemthing. i dont really know what she needs to be honest. ahhah then i got kotomi a gift because even though wade and i arent together that woman has been there for me even when my mom hasnt. shes like my second mother and i admire her for all of her dedication to her family even with her circumstances. so i got her a basket of flowers i thought were cute and a card. then some random guy comes up to me and asks to fix the dent out of my car and im like alright dude 100$ fine. and i actually ended up giving him 80 but whatever nigga did an alright job. ahaha so then i went to drop off the flowers and she wasnt home. i was like a little hesitant to go in but i was like whatever i miss cuda too. then i dropped it off.


i saw him just like whatever, and i couldnt help but feel like a little girl. but i got over it as soon as he started talking. he's so mean now. whatever i played with cuda and he came over and called me wierd for playing with my dog? i didnt know there was a manual on how to play with your puppy properly. then i gave him a hug and was off.


but i heard the song you had on. and i miss you...



today was a nice day woke up late didnt want to do breakfast. ihop is so nasty! grossssssss. then bbq at my grandmas' spent forever and a day in traffic. but when i went to starbucks and i started my car, our song came on the radio and i couldnt help but wonder if you heard it too. probably just me though hopelessly in love with you.

It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back

Baby, baby
When we first met
I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover
And my best friend
All wrapped into one
With a ribbon on it
And I'll never give myself to another
The way I gave it to you
Don't even recognize



im slowly getting over this. i don't want to give up because i know that you still love me as much as im still in love with you. as hard as it is i need to let go. id feel a lot better if there was a direct end instead of you hiding your feelings but i'll never know. and we'll never be and i can't help but be so disappointed in everything. im moving on with my life i just thought you'd like to be part of it. this front is only fooling you, everyone else can see right through it.

weird

i have the weirdest feeling around. sometimes i feel like i've fallen out of love with you but then when im with its like nothing ever happened. but i can't get it out of my head. so here i am blurting it on my blog. sometimes i think actually i know that lately my emotions have been getting the best of me and im okay with it because if i were thinking straight. i wouldnt take you back. but i love you too much. its that
too much

too much love not enough space and then when we do have space its likeee ehhh. id rather not be with you? idk its complicated. youre too selfish for my taste. but man do i love the shit out of you.

boooooom

I can't tell if i'm in love with you yet, but i love the time we spend with each other. when we're alone without all the bs, its beautiful. i hate when you blow up on me for stupid stuff but it just reminds me of how much you really do care about me. i miss you all of you. it's a lot different now though. its that awkward crush back like in middle school. and i like it.


♥

tonight

battle of the bands! i'll post pictures tomorrow hopefully!<3


life is getting better there's no denying its because of you. it's no longer a need

no harm done

i said baby babe i've loved you a long time. i miss you.

cold.

It's so cold in this house
Open mouth swallowing us
The children sent home from school
Will not stop crying
And I know that you're busy
But do I know that you care?
You got your finger on the pulse
You got your eyes everywhere
And it hurts all the time when you don't return my calls
And you haven't got the time to remember how it was

im in loveeee

with my new camera!!!!!!
ive been playing with it all weekend. im goign to take a break from it though. one because it is HEAVY two because its so like expensive i dont want to mess it up. and three cause i dont want to get bored of it.

current

im at work right now bored as fuck. im back to scanning and preparing files. B-O-R-I-NG. so what's new. wade and i are broken up. but we're still seeing each other like exclusively i believe. he has to make the effort and i have to restrain myself and we both need each other. its suffocating like in the notebook when summer was going to end and they break up and never see each other. just imagine that but them seeing each other still and how that passion wouldve grown and blahblah. im okay with it though because i still love him tremendously. he's the lime to my corona. yaddayadda. i purchased a NIKON D90. it should be here friday and im pretty stoked i must say. i cant wait to take pictures of my gorgeous fatass puppy and all the other magical things you can capture behind a lens. today is monica's birthday! so if you see her say happy birthday i think she's 17 this year. im not sure ahahaa. i want to go see lady gaga i am totally in love with her stuff. and i still really want some spring rolls. but i never use cash anymore not saying i dont have any im just trying to build my credit the only way i can haha. i miss hanging out with my little sister. shes fun and gay at the same time. i think sunday i'll go home. and bring my puppy too cause my dad and little brother are in love with him. its great.i need to cut my hair, buy a keyboard protector and applecare for my iphone/macbook. its absolutely a must.here are some pictures:
happy birthday monica!


my puppy!



my my hair

can i kick it?

scenario- a tribe called quest
I feel like theres this current itch i can't scratch and everytime i hear anything that reminds me i et this annoyed anxiety that i cant shake its so annoying! i dont know how else to describe it. like why would you need to buy off people? its such a stupid concept. i cant describe it. i hate the fact that people just try to rub you off like you were never there to begin with and thats not it at all. im here to stay so bring it on bitches. i have no problem i'll just laugh it off when it blows up in your face! i cant believe it. its really under my skin and i cant shake it. im just trying to listen to music and shut people out so i can relax or like idk channel myself! and i want spring rolls if you bring me some right now i would love you. because my mom took my car and shes a whore!

pictures!

in all

i want to start getting back into poetry i really miss it. i miss having substance in my life maybe thats what im missing. i dont know. i reall feel like my life is going no where all i have right now is my puppy he means the world to me and is the only thing that is permanent. just like if i were to have a kid, minus the horrible pain. i miss being deep. so heres to a change in everything, hopefully i'll come through.

Today's a new day

For some reason, I'm just coasting again. I feel like I need a HUGE wake up call like someone come over here and bitch slap me. I wish I knew how to study because I don't and I'll admit it! I have money and I spend a lot I need to put it in a fund for like when I trasnfer or something. I have a puppy, his name is CUDA, but he doesn't love me. He loves wade's mom which is understandable she's with him like everyday of the hour. I don't know if I'm quiet bitter or just whats the word... idk ...awe SELFish. hahah. I miss my friends. I got this notebook. PRETTY TIGHT. I am really lonely, I need attention. My boyfriend's busy with his stuff. But I don't know where I fit in. Everythings just taking its toll on me. I just need someone to help me and be like it's okay everything is okay, you'll be fine; here's a hug. but no.. no one yet.



can you be my savior?

CUDA...BARRACUDA

I FREAKING GOT A PUPPY.

dreams

i've been having the wierdest dreams lately. like last night i dreamt that some kids were getting raped by their granpa and there was this yarn signal everytime it happened and shizz. wtf that was like semi real semi cartoon too. i feel so lost. hahah and the night before that i cant remember but i remember telling my boyfriend about it maybe he remembers but it was some weird shit again. hahaha idk dude everytime i wake up my body is so sore and like still sleeping makes me fall back asleep and then i wake up with a HUGE headache!im sitting here at work and its boring as fuck cause im lazy. i don twant to do shit until after i eat so im blogging then i'll be too full and lazy from eatin gto do anything then by the end of the day i'll pick up my little sis and it will be done . i need to pick up my jeans too. hahaha.oh fuck i think i need to go into like shoppaholics anonymous or some shit. cause i buy a lot of shit and just keep it. hahaha. now im off to get my nails done toodles!... yeah i've been having the weirdest dreams and i wake up exhausted! i dont know whats wrong with me but i think i have like sleep achnea? i dont know how to speell. this post is old im goign to start a new one!! :D

20

1. List things you want to say to 20 people.
2. Don't say who they are towards.
3. Feel free to receive comments, but don't confirm or answer anything
4. Never discuss it again


1) You are the strongest person i know. without your love and heart of gold i would not be able to be where i am today. i know i never had a strong enough relationship with you and i never got to express how much gratitude i have towards you but i want you to know that i love you, unconditionally.
2) you never cease to amaze me.both positively and negatively. theres this chemistry between us that i cant break no matter how hard it gets youre always there. i love you and hate you but reguardless i always want you.
3) I miss how we used to be so close like sisters and now that we're growing up we're dirfting lets bring it back to old times despite our busy schedules.
4) I wish you could find your own style and attitude instead of borrowing mine. but nonetheless we're still good friends.
5) I wish you would just get over her, honestly she's just never going to give you the attention you deserve! she's kinda like nancy catch my drift?
6) I want you to find someone so you wont be lonely, you deserve it after everything you do for everyone.
7) If only you weren't so naive. boys will only bring you down hill and i hope you wont end up like me.
8) I'm sorry for you lost recently, I just want you to know that i know what you did to me & my family, i can see youre a better person now, so i forgive you.
9) I hate you so much, how can you be so vain and shallow? how could you be so superficial? everyone hates you, you know that? they just dont want to say anything since we've been friends for so long. but dear, youre no friend of mine.
10) Shape up your act, youre in highschool now things are different if you slip away now; there's no telling who/when you'll be saved. if you will be saved.
11) You're truly a happy person and when I am around you you make me a really good/happy person. Im really thankful youre in my life and have gotten really close to me.
12) I miss you, you were mine.
13) I wish you would just be the person you once were, for me and the family. but i guess you cant teach an old dog new tricks.
14) Youre a fucking slut, i hate you. you cause so much tension for everyone and you just dont realize it! no one wonder he left you for another. you psychotic bitch. ughhh
15) Thank you for everything you've done for me and continue doing. youre like my guardian angel in human-form.
16) Even though I treat you like shit, you guys have always been there. just shut the fuck up everyone once and awhile please.
17) why cant i just pass?
18) youre like my little sister and i hope one day you find love and its perfect because you've waited.
19) get your shit straight people can catch you slipping so many times before they just get fed up. titles dont mean shit.
20) you have it in you. we've all seen it. just try, try do your best and then some. you want the world go get it. you know how, you've always known

New Age

It's been awhile since I last post I'm sorry for the followers and people who randomly stumble upon my blog! but anywho. i went to dara's viewing and that shit was just so intense. i've never partaken in a funeral or any of its events like a real funeral at a cemetary where people are burried. it was an experience i never want to wish upon anyone. just standing there you and the open casket with the body of a loved one is just too much emotion for words to explain. i was there standing infront of my friend who i've practically grown up with. in a sense i wasnt entirely close and stuff but close enough to where i found myself balling in tears non-stop. i couldnt stand to think this was the last time i'd see him face to face or rather him and the earth. i couldnt think of the pain his family was going through. i just did what i could i said my piece to him before i left and made a donation. i couldnt go to the funeral it was just overwhelming and i hope no one puts its against me. i wouldnt force anyone to go through what that entails. i miss you, dara. from the deepest part of my heart because even though we werent as close we all knew you shouldnt have gone. my sincerest sorrow goes out to you and your family.



to better parts of my life...

My boyfriend and i have gotten back together and have been argue-free! for about 2 months now and its like the greatest thing ever! we dont fight about stupid shit now. its all good. as i type this we'll probably fight later on now. hahaah. but really i think its due to both our efforts; me not sweating the small stuff and him being a better person and not picking on me and shit. and i will say that this bond will have to go out to the ps3 game LITTLE BIG PLANET. that game is just so cool/fun. i love it! what else. the holidays were great! for christmas i got like everything hello kitty it seemed like hahaha. and clothes pretty cool! :] i'm very thankful for everyone and i hope you enjoyed the card i wrote out to everybody because i put much thought into each and everyone of them! i didnt end up getting my boyfriend anythign really extravagent or what have you. he bought himself a ps3 and i bought him metal gear solid 4 which we both enjoyed playing. New years eve was my little sister's birthday and we had a little get together for her! her sweet 16 how cool. i remember when i turned 16 oh man it was a pretty chill party and i had a lot of fun with my family and friends.i hope she enjoyed it. after that shindig, wade and i went over to his house to celebrate! we had authentic japanese food and my fav. sashimi! and noodles the traditional japanese way to celebrate after the new year thing. wonderful, wade was cutting weight so he couldnt really eat so i felt like an uber fat ass! ahaha. anyway. i miss all my friends i havent gotten a break all of break except for like xmas eve, xmas, new years eve, new years, day after xmas/new years. wow my break is almost a month long and ive done nothing but work 9-5 everyday sucky!!!! but oh man do i love the pay checks after wards! wonderful its allowed me to spend a buttload on xmas and pay off my credit card! and!! buy my 150$ worth of make up which turns out to be like 2 and 1/4 things. AHHAHAHa. fucking a. designer make up sucks. well in price not quality because you get what you pay for i must say i am satisfied! :] i am loving the new year i must say! its wonderful i love my life. i love my boyfriend i love my friends.