Dara, rest in peace

You know, no one really realizes how precious life is and they take a lot of things for granted. Like the fact that you have two arms instead of one or that you're able to walk and brush your teeth in the morning. My friend Dara has just passed away this morning and I'm a torn over it.

Here was a guy that was tough, strong, and a jerk. but had a heart. I remember when he would pick me up in buttfuck corona and bring me back just so i could hangout and see my boyfriend all for a pack of cigs (that actually went to his brother). I never trully thanked him enough. He was always making fun of me and being a jerk but that was his personality and I accepted him for it. He thought he was invincable but this just shows you death doesnt play favories or waits for anyone. It has a time and a place, and will catch you slipping. I loved Dara as a friend and I will miss him. I just want to send out my concerns to the family i know that this was a lot at the wrong time and i'll trully miss dara likewise he was a really nice guy underneath it all. I mean Christmas will always be looked like this for a lot of people now a days.It's such a shame everything has to go sour.


But like a friend once told me... "It is always darkest before it's dawn."



-Tiffani

time can only tell

I want to say this holiday weekend has been such an emotional drain for me. Like a wet towel you just keep twisting and twisting till there isn't anymore water left. On my thanksgiving my boyfriend choose to ruin any good for me. I wrote in my previos blog all these wonderful things about him and he just chooses to focus on the past like WTF!? Ruined my day so we made up later that night but the next day my friend was having a get together and I really wanted him to just go and chill with all of us. He gets upset of one little thing and it just completely turns to shit! He embarasses me infront of all of my friends! Makes me chase him to the otherside of the neighborhood. If there's one thing you should know about my boyfriend is that he's one for dramatics ... We both are haha. Then it's this whole scene. I get bruised and my wrist hurt my boyfriend and are so upset and I was just like I can't take anymore of this hurt! I break up with him and am so fed up you don't and can't even imagine! I let him have it. It's all laid out there now. He has nothing to say but he's hurt so I come down from my cloud of rage and cater to him because regaurdless I love this man. He's the love of my life and some people fuck up but you can't let you from being human and seeing when its too much. So I take him home and he asks for a few days to change and I am a sucker for this guy and let him have the days. Then the next day it's like WTF again! At first it was a little thing but then that night it was too much. It was done for real so I thought his insecurities that lead to constant flirtation and disrespecting our realtionship was a no no. And just so much hurting on my part I couldn't take neither deserved it. If someone devoted themselves to you then why would you want to push them away? I'll admit it I'm the biggest bitch when provoked but never have I stopped loving/caring. He just needs to work his shit out. I need sometime off. So we called it a break.and I'll leave it at that till something comes up? It's actually our 10month anniversary coming up,sucks.

It's like that quote I live mylife by. "forget how you feel and remember what you deserve."


- tiffani$$

allala suck it bitch!

i feel really out of place right now. like my head and my heart are in two different bodies. like i have two of me i guess you would say. i'll admit i have an evil mind, like DR.EVIL shizzz. but my heart has grown 4xs its normal size and has cancelled all of that. i dont know if its from all the turkey im about to devour but i feel weird. like my heart just says love everyone be greatful for what you have and dont think about all the negative things. keep in mind that im in my insomiac phase once again in my life and my heart goes to bed at like 10, leaving my mind to wonder for hours on end. like where do i go from here? i want so many things, things i deserve to have and should have but my heart always gets the better of me and says you should be so selfish and let it go. its always been this way. i think its time that i start being selfish because all in all IM THE ONLY ONE looking out for ME.

first would be my body, no one owns this shit but me. not god, not my family, not my boyfriend. i do whatever the fuck i want with it. if i want to flash total strangers thats my deal not anyone else's helllllo? who cares? my boyfriend will mind of course but keep in mind i have morals whether they be high or low or whateverthefuck. theyre mine and i have them,& i need not explain myself if i dont want to. thats another thing, my emotions, i'll admit it since my heart has gotten 4x bigger than usual so have my emotions because of it. i cry a lot now, because i dont believe its a weakness anymore it shows you can be vulnerable. and that makes you human. i get angry, i've always been an angry person because my life has been hard and the only person that knows how hard i've had it isnt with me anymore. we choose to go separate ways but thats okay im content with that now. i used to be torn by it, but fuck it, youre only as good as the company you keep and i have minessss. yeah im angry i get angry at little things, but its not really little if you look at it. im a person that looks to the future and see that history does really repeat itself. if youre living in the past youre dead, if youre even living in the present youre fucked, so thats why i stay ahead. i try to look at my game plan on life and see whats up. you know and i know im angry but it adds to my swagger and you know what sometimes i really dont give a fuck, but i care. if that makes sense? so therefore none of you bitches can tell me i shouldnt be mad at something because i know when i shouldnt/should be mad at something and i tell you too so dont get it twisted.


second of all, i know i have to look out for myself whether it be in school or work, i learned in my AP Economics class last year that, ' there is no such things as a free lunch.' and its true. its all about power in this world ive noticed. you dont have it you want it. you have it you abuse it and loose it. its just like the cycle of life. what can you do about it? HUSTLE!
hustle till your bones freaking hurt. because there is always going to be someone smarter, prettier, quicker than you are and trying to claw their way to the top too. right now i dont find myself hustling for shit. im just coasting. coasting at my boyfriends house, with just letting my "BFFs" walk all over me, coasting at OCC hahah( orange coast college), but i have big dreams and even when if it takes me 1209348 years, months, days, etc. im going to get there! so see you suckas at the top.



lastly, is the selfworth thing. im a big time fan and long time subscriber to the insecurities that stop you from achieving shit. and its time to realize the self worth i have. that i am a great person with a heart of gold/ forgiveness. i know i have priorities whether people want to recognize it or not. i am worthy of every opportunity there is in life. and im tired of hearing otherwise. thats why in highschool i gave up copying homework or cheating on exams thats like lying to yourself. you fail? you fail on your own because it means something. just like when you get to whatever you want in life and went through hard work to get it. it means so much more than if it were handed to you on a silver platter and fed to you with a silver spoon.





maybe im just going to be on my period and writing all this shit. or im pregnant and my hormones are all out of wack. hahaha fuck that imagine me pregnant i'd be fucking sick ass parent. and who would be the god parents? i got a list


goddaddys.

andrew lam cause he's like me with a penis and shizzzzz
david-but he's an asshole keep my kid in check
william- he's nice, pushover a little though i can tell he'd be with my kid.

godmama

sonia- because who wouldnt want her as a mama?
cristina- she has a lot of morals that are really inspiring and motivating.
lidia- because shes just so funny
and shelley- she already has practice with neythan! hahah

thanksgiving.

since its thanksgiving time i think i'd like to write about the many thanks i have give to everyone.

thanks to everyone in my life now. My boyfriend first and formost because he has always been there for me, no matter what. I can't imagine my life without you love, you've done so much to change my life. for most the good. you have showed me the beauty in a relationship once again but this time even more so then before, even more passionately. everything we have been through, you have made me such a stronger person and have inspired me to do better things for myself. i know you only want the best for me and with every intention that you have its for good. it's like no matter the fight, no matter the situation, no matter how mad i/you get; i can never loose you. you've become a part of me and i cant let you go. not now nor ever.

my family even though theyre annoying as fuck! but they are always there when i need them too! my mom especially though. shes been through so much to help me get where im headed. i cant explain how much a strong peron she is with a heart of gold! no matter what i can depend on her and i hope she realizes how much of an inspiration she is to me evne thought we have our differences.

my best friend; andrewlam! you have been there for me when people have let me down and i can't imagine my life without you. i know we've grown a little apart but i know it wont stop us for being the best of friends. we'll grow old together! hahahaha me, you, wade, and your boy-i mean girlfriend ;]

david- who wouldve known we'd be this great of friends!? i mean i used to think that you were just another asian nerd asshole like the rest of them.. but you've showed me different. like youre there for me when i need you, you offer great advice and we're like on the same level with a lot of things. im thankful your in my life. i wish you find someone that suits you both physical and mental. she's out there and you'll find her.

cristina head! you've been my inspiratoin even though we've had some hard times recently but i know we're always going to be there for each other. and continue to be when we're older. i expect you to be one of my bridesmaid!


shelley- you are one of my oldest friends. and im glad to still have you in my life. you and i are very similar therefore thats why we have problems. but reguardless, im here for you and thankful you're still in my life.

thanks for everyone in my lie. you guys have each contributed in making me the person i am today! i love you guys and have each of you guys in my heart. thanks for being there for me and even if you havent i'd still like to thank you and take care.





oh and i would like to thank for oversized sunglasses, headbands, american apparel, skinny jeans, marc jacob bags, chanel, gold jewlery, forever 21, and just great fashion.

too tired

you guys... i do not know what to do. im way beyond exhausted! im too tired to even write this out right now it's taking the life out of me. my sleep schedule is so fucked up i dont even know where to begin. yesterday i totally freaking died from ihop that thing was killlllaarrrr. hahah but anyway. i need more
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Happy birthdays! :)

this month holds the birthdays of my very special friends: andrew lam & Shelley.


Shelley you and I have been through too much to let a good thing die. Both of us have changed and it happens but let's grow together and let bye gones be by bones.








& my best friend andrew, there are so many things I'd like to thank you for but I'll sum it up to thanks for being the definition of a best friend. I love you too much, you crazy chink.

fake friends

One of my biggest concerns/ peeves are fake ass bitches! I freaking hate fake people it's like if you don't like someone just don't deal with them obviously you want something more if you keep talking to them users. Anyway, I'm over people saying one thing to me and denying it or changing it up for someone else to get sympathy. I mean how idiotic ate you to think I wouldn't hear it. I'm totally pissed off. It's like going back to the subject of fake friends, if you're someones friend you would want them to help out or vice versa. But when you have the nerve to not because you're so selfish that's another thing. Like for someone to have helped you when you needed it and then totally turn the cheek when they need you is so messed up. And to say it's because you're tired of seeing them doing the wrong thing? What the fuck is that. That's your friend that's sinking and you refuse to help them because they are sinking? Fucled up much! It brings me much sorrow to even report that. Disgusts me too. It's been on my mind & I had to blog. What I'm over that shizz. Good luck trying to get anything out of me. LATE!








-tiffani$$

oh and...

it's still beautiful!

today is a new day

Im not really feeling all this criticism against our new president. I mean he's the leader of country, he hasn't even started making any major decisions and here people are pulling his balls and shit. Wtf. you guys need to realize it's our president. some of you fuckers stood by bush when he brought us into war, killed many of our friends, families, and loved ones but you can't accept a black president with views and morals best yet out of all our presidents. minus clinton( yay billll). Anyway i think its super dumb how people are accusing him of all this retarded stuff. Lableing him a a terrosit and that he's going to keep us starving and that he's a muslim. i have muslim friends and here there using it with a negative connotation which is totally wrong. first of all he's a devoted christian the fact that his name sounds of muslim origin is because it is. their origin is african? duh. and saying he's a terroist is so freaking stupid i can not even comment on how many times i've had to say that was stupid. his policies are this people. he's getting out of this shit hole that we're in today.the taxes are mostly on those rich people who can afford to fork up the change. and i have this friend who keeps reinstating," you work hard for your money and you should be able to keep it." no shit? right well here's the deal, he doesn't pay for all his shit. he takes loans and expects the banks and government to help him out. in reality there are the people funding his new paint job on his car. it's ridiculous how he thinks that just because he works he can't pay dues. people have worked hard to put food on your table so show so effort for the human race show the world we're better than what americans are perceived to be. if i were on welfare, been there done that, i'd want someone to help. ive been there where i couldnt eat what i wanted, get what i wanted for xmas, and had to deal with it. now we have someone in all of our lives helping those in need. and you know what i might complain about taxes later but i know its for a good cause. the intensions are good. if they go sour from here idk. but right now im sticking to it, because i would hate to think that because i was so selfish to keep a little change in my wallet i couldnt feed someone who really needed in a time of desperation. so if you think that you work hard for your money and should keep it... think about the people who have worked hard to do that and just got it all taken away from them and cant. jobs aren't so secure these days, credit cant last you forever since you wouldnt have money to pay for it. and relying on mommy and daddy is the same because they rely on the taxes you pay for.




the end!

Higher Education

can suck my big fat dick. I thought that college meant furthering your education not dumb you down. The classes at OCC are mediocre, i guess it's what you pay now a days that justifies how much you get in return. whatever. the parking too! what can i NOT tel you about the parking!? its horrible. granted occ has a lot of students but never did i expect in all of the parking lots (4-6) not find one parking spot! Today some guy tried to fight me for one, and i am no one to be FUCKED with. today it took me an hour and a half to find myself a spot. what a complete waste of time in mid-afternoon too! the service there sucks! i wanted to turn in my papers due to my financial aid, but i wasn't allowed cause this bitch ass workstudy bitch! didnt let me. it was one of those your income vs. your parents and mine was 0 all along the paper 0 and i didnt put in one total? omfuckinggod maybe its zero you dumbbitch! ughh. and she was being super rude! i know my stupid student i.d number okay there's no way it's going to be another person just because i didnt have my i.d she threw a fit! ugh occ can suck my balls!!!!!!!!!!!





today, andrew is the best in the world. and it was my 7th month anniversary. pretty dope. welll kinda :]

now or never!

for the love of money...



I haven't been on this in the longest time. my life's been pre-occupied with miscellaneous events. i can update on school i guess, aha. i've finally decided to go to OCC and reject my admission to CALState Northridge. I'd rather end up in a UC or something. Possibly UC San Francisco. any woooo. Prom's coming up and it's the most hectic shit i've ever been through. okay i'm exaggerating but none the less this last minute bullshit is not going well. like i have to find a freaking limo service/ party bus service within this week because our prom is in less than two weeks. so i'm looking at all these places calling them to make reservations but most of them are booked! because like 3+ schools are having their proms the same day! that shits weak!!!! ugh ugh ugh. i still haven't found my prom dress it's really upsetting but i can't focus on that stuff right now. then i have to find like a party bus or whatever afterwards. anyway, i've found the best boyfriend in the world!


he's the best thing in my life right now. don't get me wrong it's not beautiful all the time, but i can't even imagine myself with anyone other then him he's really the best thing. he tries to cheer me up when i'm down and though i'm really mean sometimes or act retarded he loves me no matter what. i know that sounds all cliche and you've probably heard a million times before me but i really love him i could see myself spending the rest of my life with this guy. he's sweet and loving and he's so cute. OH! and a beast in bed, AHHAHA. jussssssssssst keeeding. kinda. i love you wade gracia

love, lies, and long talks

"No matter where I go, what I do, I'm always coming back to you"
He's been in and out of my life. I never know what life has in stored for me but its supposedly knows what its doing. I can't tell and part if me doesn't want to know. I just don't want to be let down again. The past like couple guys have been weak! But esai has always came back to me and like he's said "we've been down since day one." But I'm just not sure if I should let my guard down again. And the attraction is there but its not like before. Kind of the reverse of it. I just don't want to be used. Or let down.



this is an old post that i never uploaded, but i thought hey, why not? my past is a part of me each and everyday :]