allala suck it bitch!

i feel really out of place right now. like my head and my heart are in two different bodies. like i have two of me i guess you would say. i'll admit i have an evil mind, like DR.EVIL shizzz. but my heart has grown 4xs its normal size and has cancelled all of that. i dont know if its from all the turkey im about to devour but i feel weird. like my heart just says love everyone be greatful for what you have and dont think about all the negative things. keep in mind that im in my insomiac phase once again in my life and my heart goes to bed at like 10, leaving my mind to wonder for hours on end. like where do i go from here? i want so many things, things i deserve to have and should have but my heart always gets the better of me and says you should be so selfish and let it go. its always been this way. i think its time that i start being selfish because all in all IM THE ONLY ONE looking out for ME.

first would be my body, no one owns this shit but me. not god, not my family, not my boyfriend. i do whatever the fuck i want with it. if i want to flash total strangers thats my deal not anyone else's helllllo? who cares? my boyfriend will mind of course but keep in mind i have morals whether they be high or low or whateverthefuck. theyre mine and i have them,& i need not explain myself if i dont want to. thats another thing, my emotions, i'll admit it since my heart has gotten 4x bigger than usual so have my emotions because of it. i cry a lot now, because i dont believe its a weakness anymore it shows you can be vulnerable. and that makes you human. i get angry, i've always been an angry person because my life has been hard and the only person that knows how hard i've had it isnt with me anymore. we choose to go separate ways but thats okay im content with that now. i used to be torn by it, but fuck it, youre only as good as the company you keep and i have minessss. yeah im angry i get angry at little things, but its not really little if you look at it. im a person that looks to the future and see that history does really repeat itself. if youre living in the past youre dead, if youre even living in the present youre fucked, so thats why i stay ahead. i try to look at my game plan on life and see whats up. you know and i know im angry but it adds to my swagger and you know what sometimes i really dont give a fuck, but i care. if that makes sense? so therefore none of you bitches can tell me i shouldnt be mad at something because i know when i shouldnt/should be mad at something and i tell you too so dont get it twisted.


second of all, i know i have to look out for myself whether it be in school or work, i learned in my AP Economics class last year that, ' there is no such things as a free lunch.' and its true. its all about power in this world ive noticed. you dont have it you want it. you have it you abuse it and loose it. its just like the cycle of life. what can you do about it? HUSTLE!
hustle till your bones freaking hurt. because there is always going to be someone smarter, prettier, quicker than you are and trying to claw their way to the top too. right now i dont find myself hustling for shit. im just coasting. coasting at my boyfriends house, with just letting my "BFFs" walk all over me, coasting at OCC hahah( orange coast college), but i have big dreams and even when if it takes me 1209348 years, months, days, etc. im going to get there! so see you suckas at the top.



lastly, is the selfworth thing. im a big time fan and long time subscriber to the insecurities that stop you from achieving shit. and its time to realize the self worth i have. that i am a great person with a heart of gold/ forgiveness. i know i have priorities whether people want to recognize it or not. i am worthy of every opportunity there is in life. and im tired of hearing otherwise. thats why in highschool i gave up copying homework or cheating on exams thats like lying to yourself. you fail? you fail on your own because it means something. just like when you get to whatever you want in life and went through hard work to get it. it means so much more than if it were handed to you on a silver platter and fed to you with a silver spoon.





maybe im just going to be on my period and writing all this shit. or im pregnant and my hormones are all out of wack. hahaha fuck that imagine me pregnant i'd be fucking sick ass parent. and who would be the god parents? i got a list


goddaddys.

andrew lam cause he's like me with a penis and shizzzzz
david-but he's an asshole keep my kid in check
william- he's nice, pushover a little though i can tell he'd be with my kid.

godmama

sonia- because who wouldnt want her as a mama?
cristina- she has a lot of morals that are really inspiring and motivating.
lidia- because shes just so funny
and shelley- she already has practice with neythan! hahah